


Something Irreplaceable

by Bam4Me



Series: Dress Shopping [6]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Gen, Genderqueer!Yuuri, Panic Attacks, Platonic Cuddling, Talks of medications, Trans!Yurio, Yurio is their SON FITE ME
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-17
Updated: 2017-02-17
Packaged: 2018-09-25 02:26:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9798377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bam4Me/pseuds/Bam4Me
Summary: It's not exactly healthy to rely on other people to keep yourself mentally stable, Yuuri knows that, it really isn't good. But sometimes, he gets that cold-bucket reminder of how much he uses Victor as a buffer between him and the world.That reminder usually comes when Victor has to leave town for basically anything... which is very unfortunate.





	

**Author's Note:**

> iwriteshitficsyoi.tumblr.com

Yuuri really didn’t want to admit it, mainly because admitting it might be admitting that there was a problem, but there were always some issues at home whenever Victor had to leave for a while.

 

Of course, it happened very rarely, and Victor could usually take Yuuri with him if he ever  _ needed _ to go somewhere, but Yuuri was on a slightly forced vacation for the rest of the week, which meant traveling was out of the question entirely.

 

But luckily -or unluckily, depending on where you’re looking at this situation from- Yuuri being hurt in any way shape or form, meant that he had two giant lumps attached to him, who go by the names of Makkachin and Yuri.

 

Alright, so the issue is, right now Victor is being strongholded into going halfway across Russia of all the fucking places for a photo shoot.

 

And Yuuri was stick at home with a pulled muscle and no one but Yuri and Makkachin to keep him company.

 

To say it was a little stressful for both of them, was understating it a little bit.

 

But like we said, Yuuri doesn’t want to admit that there was a problem with Victor leaving him, no matter how long, because the thing is, that’s not really all that healthy. So yeah, it made the nights a little cold, and his heart a little heavy, but he could blame the sniffling on his sore leg, and he could blame the overeating on his natural want to eat everything in sight no matter what. His lack of restraint right now though, that was pretty much all stress.

 

Yuuri has never actually had a hard time crying before in his life, overly emotional on an almost dangerous level sometimes, but he honestly wasn’t one to cry at anything. Which is why when the breakdown finally started hitting him a day into his forced vacation and Victor’s leave, it was because of an emotional  _ book _ of all things.

 

He was curled up in an oversized armchair in his and Victor’s room underneath a blanket and with Victor’s stolen sweater and pants. The chair was chosen specially because it could fit both Yuuri and Victor at the same time, which meant that it felt too big right now, like their bed, and Yuuri curled up a little tighter under the throw blanket, setting his book on the table at his elbow, and grabbing a tissue out of the box with a sigh.

 

He knew if he let himself cry, -no matter what it was at, book, movie, anything really- he’d end up unable to stop till he was too exhausted to keep going. That’s how anxiety works sometimes. The bad thoughts linger there in the back of your head, piling up on top of each other, till one day you start  _ feeling _ things, no matter what it’s about, and before you know it, you’ve lost six hours of your life to tears and ruined your schedule for a whole week.

 

He pulled in a little shaky breath, trying to stabilize his chest, even as the tears slipped out. He felt numb, but it was better than full on sobbing, and it would be better than having this panic attack.

 

If he could make it till Victor came back, it might not happen at all. Or at least, if it did, Victor would help him. He always did.

 

That was a bad thought actually, because Victor isn’t  _ here _ right now, and he could feel his chest getting tighter at that, till he was laid back against the stuffed chair, trying to get more air into his lungs.

 

The partially opened door was pushed open even more, and Yuuri actually jolted in his spot just a little, hearing a little tinkling bell coming into the room as Czar pushed his way into the room with him.

 

Czar didn’t often like Victor and Yuuri as much as he liked Yuri and Makkachin, but the little cat came over to the armchair -and specifically, sitting right in front of the room’s heater, which was directly behind the chair, putting Czar right in front of Yuuri’s legs- and meowed up at him, almost politely.

 

Czar was a smart cat, he knew that humans were particularly deaf kittens, you need to make sure they’re okay or they’ll go and do something stupid, like die. Yuri was a much smarter kitten than most, he was proud of his tiny human.

 

Yuuri gave the cat a shaky smile, tears still coming, but a little less now. He had to admit, that actually made him feel a little better, even if the cat was only in here for the heater.

 

The door was pushed further open, and Yuuri looked up, expecting to see Makkachin following his little friend into the room, but he found Yuri instead, looking downwards for Czar. “Czar, I got your…”

 

Yuri trailed off when he caught sight of Yuuri on the armchair, sitting under a piled up blanket. Crying.

 

“What happened?”

 

Yuuri sniffled a little. “Oh, Yura, I was just reading a-”

 

“Who did this to you?” Yuri came into the room with a face like thunder, looking ready to murder someone. “Tell me who did it, and I will bring you their  _ head _ . They will pay for this.”

 

Yuuri blinked, once, twice, and let out the littlest laugh, tears becoming less and less by the second. He always felt better when he had his boys nearby. “Yura, no one did anything, I’m fine.”

 

Yuri scowled, looking upset. “Then why are you crying?”

 

Yuuri shrugged, grabbing another tissue before motioning towards the book. “It’s a good story. Guess I got a little emotional.”

 

Yuri’s scowl didn’t move. “How can anything be a good story if it makes you cry?”

 

Yuuri lifted up one side of the bunched up blankets towards him in invitation, and Yuri squished into the space that Victor normally took, curling up with him in the too big armchair. Yuuri snorted a little when he realized it was still too big with just the two of them. Victor was a bit bigger than they both were. “You’ve never been so happy you cried?”

 

Yuri honestly thought that one over for a bit, before looking away. “When I won gold. I cried then.”

 

Yuuri wasn’t actually fully sure that had been a happy cry, but he’d give it to the teen. “Sometimes good things happen, and we cry, and sometimes we have an anxiety disorder that makes our emotions multiply to the point where even a good cry can make us have a full scale breakdown.”

 

Yuri leaned against his side, their legs squished together in a way they really didn’t need to be under the blanket with all this space, but it made Yuuri feel less alone. Yuri was curled up into his side, an impressive looking pout on his face as Yuuri’s arm went around him in the position. “That’s horrible. Don’t they sell anxiety medication? I thought you had a prescription for that?”

 

Yuuri nodded. “Well, I do, but it’s… have you ever taken heavy duty pain killers? The ones that make you loopy? It’s kind of like that sometimes. Everything is just dull. It’s okay if I’m having a horrible day, but I can’t live my life like that. I barely know my own name half the time when I’m on it.”

 

Yuri let out a gust of air against Yuuri’s shoulder, sounding a little shocked. “I don’t take testosterone. People keep telling me that I’m not a man unless I take it, or that it’ll help me by getting rid of my period and stuff like that. I still don’t take it. I could, but I don’t. I don’t mind the way I look right now, and I don’t mind that you usually can’t tell if I’m a boy or a girl on first glance depending on what I wear. I don’t take testosterone, I’m still me though. I’m still a boy.”

 

Yuuri almost started crying all over again at that, chest swelling this time instead of going tight, honestly happy for the first time since Victor left. He leaned in to press his lips to the part in Yuri’s hair, just sitting with him now. “You’re still a boy without testosterone, and I’m still me if I decide not to use anxiety medication. It’s just that sometimes we have to deal with the issues our bodies come with, because we don’t.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

***

 

Yuuri wasn’t sleeping well either. Not when his bed was too big. Makkachin was nice, but he didn’t cover all the sides like Victor did when all three of them were in bed together.

 

Which is why, when Yuri got up for a midnight snack that night, the kitchen was not, in fact, empty.

 

Yuri blinked sleepily in the too bright light, letting out a yawn as he went. Yuuri turned to look at him from where he was putting a tray of muffins in the oven, apron covered in flour and hair a little dusty. “Can’t sleep either?”

 

Yuri shook his head, collapsing tiredly into a chair at the table. Makkachin raised his head from the dog bed Yuuri had pulled into the kitchen for him to lay on that night when the poodle made it clear that he wasn’t leaving him alone, and gave Yuri a whine. “I got hungry.”

 

Yuuri hummed with a little nod, and started looking through the fridge. “You want a sandwich, Yura?”

 

Yuri nodded, another little humming noise coming out while he fell into a light doze at the table. Sometimes this happened, he’d get up for a snack, but fall asleep at the table before he could even look for one. He was a growing boy, and sleep was apparently more important than food sometimes.

 

He could hear the puttering around the room as Yuuri made him a snack, and Yuri finally looked up when a plate was set down in front of him. He sat up sluggishly, looking up at Yuuri with curious eyes. Yuuri looked  _ tired _ . “Can’t sleep?”

 

Yuuri gave a noncommittal shrug, sitting across from him and watching him eat. “Not really. I thought I’d make some muffins for breakfast tomorrow.”

 

Yuuri shrugged, and after a few more seconds, he got up and started cleaning, putting bowls in the sink and generally puttering around with the same quiet sounds Yuri had listened to before.

 

Yuri watched him while eating, wondering what Victor would do if he was there right now.

 

Well, Yuuri would probably be sleeping with him if Victor had been there at the moment. Yuuri and him always slept when they were there.

 

Oh. Now he feels dumb.

 

He finished his sandwich and let Yuuri take the plate to wash in the sink, but stayed in his place at the table, head pillowed in his arms while he watched the oven timer go down. He was almost asleep again by the time it went off, and he had to blink his eyes back open at the sound, sitting up sluggishly while he watched Yuuri pull out the muffins from the oven and got them set up on the cooling rack.

 

Before Yuuri could start pulling anything else out to keep baking, Yuri stopped him in passing with two fingers hooking onto the edge of Yuuri’s sleeve, stopping him. “What’s wrong?”

 

Yuri tried to articulate while half awake, but it sort of came out as a mumble humming noise that sounded a little funny even to him. Yuuri just smiled down at him, looking way too fond. “You tired?”

 

Yuri nodded, thankful for the help. Words were horrible, why can’t others just read his mind like Yuuri and Victor could?

 

Yuuri’s face looked soft when he pulled Yuri out of the kitchen seat, fond. Gross. Emotions again. Makkachin followed them down the hallway into Yuuri and Victor’s room, looking eager to finally get some real sleep that night.

 

Yuuri climbed into the bed behind Yuri, Makkachin following after, and laid down in the middle of the two of them.

 

Yuri was asleep in under a minute, and for the first time since Victor left, the bed didn’t feel too big. He actually slept that night.

 

Really, things weren’t so horrible without Victor, but he’s gotten used to having someone he can rely on, someone who is there for him no matter how bad things get.

 

Yuri wasn’t the same, but Yuuri couldn’t imagine his life without the teen at this point. He wasn’t Victor, but he was just as irreplaceable.

**Author's Note:**

> iwriteshitficsyoi.tumblr.com


End file.
